Note on Tweet, Tweet: Peter Facinelli was interviewed a while ago about his twitter. In the course of the interview, he said, “Carlisle would definitely have a twitter.” I was subsequently challenged by friends to write Carlisle’s twitter feed.
I made some minor adjustments to the presentation of Twitter just to make it easier to follow (not the least of which was putting the oldest tweets at the top so that it can be read in order). I also didn’t put in timestamps, but suffice it to say that sometimes there’s a longer gap between tweets than others. Suspend disbelief as needed. This is set in 2010, making Nessie physically 3.5, and given that her rate of growth decays exponentially, I’m imagining puts her at about young teen/tween.
Tweet, Tweet!
or, How to Get a Workaholic Out of His Office
For Peter
Feb. 17, 2010
VampDad I don’t care what Oracle says. Charting was easier before computers.
1901Pianist @VampDad Someone’s bored.
VampDad @1901Pianist It’s alive! (Or…not.)
1901Pianist @VampDad :eyeroll: Your text messages are coming through fine, just so you know.
VampDad @1901Pianist Oh good. Because I was starting to wonder if Verizon had managed to cut off you and only you.
1901Pianist @VampDad Very funny.
LochNessMonst OMG! SO CUTE! RT: @BradPitt Pics of the kids—paparazzi caught us in Zambia. http://bit.ly/Cmiy5y
VampDad @1901Pianist …isn’t Brad Pitt pushing 50?
1901Pianist @VampDad I got that tweet, too. :\
1901Pianist @SuaCantante We need to have a talk with the daughter.
LochNessMonst @1901Pianist I can read your tweets, Dad.
SuaCantante At Costco. ‘Tis noisy and very red.
1901Pianist @SuaCantante Why are you at a grocery store?
VampDad @SuaCantante Why are you at a grocery store?
GrizzlyKiller @SuaCantante Why are you at Costco?
SuaCantante @1901Pianist @VampDad @GrizzlyKiller I just want you all to know that Esme’s response was, “Men.”
VampDad @SuaCantante Is that where she is?
SuaCantante @1901Pianist @VampDad @GrizzlyKiller I have children to feed.
1901Pianist @SuaCantante Plural? Because I missed the other…love child with the wolf?
GrizzlyKiller @1901Pianist I kinda love you right now, bro.
SuaCantante @1901Pianist @GrizzlyKiller I’m not talking to either of you anymore.
LochNessMonst @1901Pianist I can still read your tweets, Dad.
LochNessMonst @1901Pianist Also…ew?
SuaCantante @VampDad Esme says to turn your phone back on if you’re just sitting at your desk.
VampDad @SuaCantante What makes her think I’m just sitting at my desk?
SuaCantante @VampDad Carlisle, you just tweeted me back in under thirty seconds.
VampDad @SuaCantante Point taken. Have her ring me again.
8CylinderRoses I want a Zagato. One without a working engine.
CrystalBall @8CylinderRoses Christmas…
GrizzlyKiller HEY!
CrystalBall @GrizzlyKiller See, well, now you’ve gone and spoiled it. I was just suggesting it *might* happen…
GrizzlyKiller @CrystalBall I’m going to tear you to pieces when I get home.
CrystalBall @GrizzlyKiller I don’t see myself in pieces tonight, so good luck with that. J
SuaCantante @CrystalBall @GrizzlyKiller Esme says to knock it off.
GrizzlyKiller @SuaCantante I thought you weren’t talking to me? @1901Pianist
GrizzlyKiller Besides, isn’t @CrystalBall supposed to be with the spawn? Why is she on twitter?
LochNessMonst is opposed to being called “the spawn.”
GrizzlyKiller What? It’s funny.
8CylinderRoses It’s rude.
AlphaMale1989 @GrizzlyKiller Are you LOOKING for a throw-down?
***Direct message from SuaCantante Okay, what on earth did you just say to Esme?
***D SuaCantante Just that I thought I might need to stay late this evening.
1901Pianist I can’t side with you on the spawn thing, E. She’s my daughter.
LochNessMonst @1901Pianist Thanks, Dad.
GrizzlyKiller @AlphaMale1989 Oh, bring it, wolfieboy.
GrizzlyKiller @AlphaMale1989 Wait….are YOU over there?
GrizzlyKiller @LochNessMonst BUSTED! @1901Pianist
***Direct message from SuaCantante She’s really hoping you’ll be home tonight.
***Direct message from SuaCantante She’s doing that Esme thing where she smiles but you know you’ve totally let her down?
***D SuaCantante Well, shit.
SuaCantante Carlisle!
GrizzlyKiller @SuaCantante Ooh, what’d he do?
SuaCantante He just DMed me the s-word!
GrizzlyKiller Hot damn!
1901Pianist @VampDad I’m…so proud of you. :sniff:
LochNessMonst @SuaCantante I know that the “s-word” is “shit.” It’s okay. Really.
SuaCantante You’re setting a bad example. @VampDad.
VampDad I HIT ENTER BY MISTAKE!!! Do we need to have a debate?
CrystalBall @VampDad I was trying to tweet to stop you, but that was too last-minute.
1901Pianist @VampDad My, you’re getting saucy in your old age.
8CylinderRoses <—is just laughing.
VampDad …saucy?
LochNessMonst @VampDad Saucy. Like, fresh.
VampDad …fresh?
VampDad is wondering when he became food.
1901Pianist :sigh: www.urbandictionary.com @VampDad Look it up.
VampDad Weren’t we just talking about @AlphaMale1989?
AlphaMale1989 I’m in my apartment, not at E and B’s.
LochNessMonst …did I just get scapegoated by Granddad?
VampDad (@LochNessMonst Sorry, Sweet.)
1901Pianist @LochNessMonst Is your hw done, Miss Tweety?
LochNessMonst @1901Pianist Um…it’s just an essay on the reconstruction. It’s getting done, don’t worry.
LochNessMonst (@VampDad It’s your birthday, you’re forgiven. But only today.)
1901Pianist @LochNessMonst What do you mean “It’s getting done?”
1901Pianist @SouthShallRise Are you doing her homework??!!
AlphaMale1989 Well, it’s firsthand knowledge, right?
SuaCantante @SouthShallRise Jasper!
SouthShallRise I don’t use this thing, remember?
1901Pianist @SouthShallRise We got you an iPhone for a reason.
SouthShallRise Get off my back.
GrizzlyKiller @SouthShallRise I bet there’s an app for that.
***D SuaCantante Is *this* why Esme is upset? RT @LochNessMonst (@VampDad It’s your birthday, you’re forgiven. But only today.)
***D SuaCantante Oh. That’s why you’re at Costco, too. I see it, now.
SouthShallRise I’m turning off the ringer…
LochNessMonst @SouthShallRise Do you need my help?
SouthShallRise Not funny.
***Direct Message from SuaCantante You’re a vampire. It’s not actually possible that you forgot it was your birthday.
1901Pianist Look, I get home from work in 25 mins. There had better be an essay that is NOT written by my brother. Capisce? @LochNessMonst
SuaCantante @1901Pianist We’re on our way home, too.
***D SuaCantante I didn’t forget. It’s just not that big a deal. I’ve been 23 for a little while now.
AlphaMale1989 Hey, you guys bringin cake? @SuaCantante
***Direct Message from SuaCantante Carlisle. It’s the only chance we get to celebrate you. Edward pouts if any of the rest of us get you Fathers’ Day stuff.
SuaCantante @AlphaMale1989 Yep! Just for you. And maybe the Monster.
***D SuaCantante I just hate fusses. Something you and I have in common.
LochNessMonst is opposed to being called “the Monster.”
SuaCantante @LochNessMonst It’s said with love.
***Direct Message from SuaCantante We’re just having a little family get-together, that’s all. Then you and Esme will have the evening to yourselves.
***D SuaCantante With cake…
***Direct Message from SuaCantante The cake isn’t actually for you.
1901Pianist @CrystalBall Would you check on the Monster and make sure she’s not letting your husband write her essay?
SuaCantante @1901Pianist No worries. We’re home and Esme just went to boot her off the computer.
1901Pianist Awesome.
***D SuaCantante I can think of things to do with the cake…
***Direct Message from SuaCantante !! Has Edward explained to you the term “TMI”?
EsmeAnne @VampDad I just put the silk sheets on the bed…
VampDad @EsmeAnne :raises eyebrows:
1901Pianist And I’m going to need to bleach my brain.
8CylinderRoses Thank god we have our own place right now…
CrystalBall Yep. That will do it. @EsmeAnne
GrizzlyKiller @EsmeAnne Do you even want us to join you for the evening? ‘Cause it sounds like maybe you’d rather we didn’t…
1901Pianist EMMETT!!
SuaCantante EMMETT!!
LochNessMonst @EsmeAnne I can read your tweets, Gram.
1901Pianist @LochNessMonst GET OFF TWITTER. NOW.
EsmeAnne @VampDad Can’t wait for you to get home. I love you, sweetheart. Happy Birthday.
1901Pianist Happy Birthday, Dad.
SuaCantante Happy Birthday, Carlisle!
LochNessMonst Happy B-day, Granddad. (@1901Pianist Going!)
8CylinderRoses Happy Birthday, Carlisle.
GrizzlyKiller Happy Birthday, old man.
Crystal Ball Um, guys? He started turning off the computer at “silk sheets.”
LochNessMonst I so did not need to know that…
Windows is shutting down…
Silly smile on my face through that entire thing! You’ve nailed the Cullen clan!!
Now, I’m back to my housework. (That was a nice break!)
Happy to be a breaker. 🙂
I found the challenge of getting across the different personalities in a few 140-character chunks to be a lot of fun.
I loved “Tweet, Tweet”. I agree, Carlisle would have a Twitter, and I think it would look just like this!
Thanks, Jill!
Aww! soooo Tweet! LOL I adored it.
Heee. That you made a terrible pun kind of made my night. Thanks!
love it, so funny.
Now you know what kind of weird crap I get up to when I have no internet. 🙂
Enjoyed it (as I do with everything I’ve read of yours).
Very funny. 😀
This had me laughing so hard, my son came in to see what was so funny! This is priceless…even their screen names are cute, and so creatively descriptive! Your in-canon work is phenomenal. As someone who prefers accurately-in-canon fanfic, your writing is a delightful find!
Yay! Thank you! I had so much fun coming up with the names.
And thanks for the compliments on the canon. I truly enjoy writing it, and I adore all you who desire to read it. It’s sadly, a rare breed. 🙂
Sooooo fun! I kept grinning the whole way thru … And loved their usernames, too! I haven’t ventured into twitter yet, but I could follow most & might have learned a bit. 🙂
Thanks, Sea. I wrote part of this before I had twitter…it was interesting revising it afterward.
the best i ever had. love the handles!
I had a lot of fun with this one. 🙂
Brilliant…I was giggling the entire way through.
Ha! This is funnier than anything else I’ve ever read on your site today, because you know.. 🙂 I was tempted to make @1901Pianist just as a souvenir
Choked on potato chips! Spat them everywhere! My husband’s going to kill me if I don’t clean it up! Love your humor! Love the way they all seem so normal and carefree, especially with each other as a family…including Jacob. Jaz & Rose fit in so comfortably and Esme is so sultry. Gotta Love it! Ness is a trip all on her own. This was so much fun I wanted to Tweet in myself just to get involved! Definately loved the usernames!
Noticed one of your comments, “I adore all you who desire to read it. It’s sadly, a rare breed. ”
Sad to think you don’t have a HUUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH following…I’ll definately share!